Thursday, August 8, 2013

Never Let me go!

Today was kinda hectic. I (sheesh, only 5 words in and I'm already talking about myself!) accomplished the biggest thing on my to-do list and so yes I feel excited and exasperated about this achievement. Did you know... Kat has been home schooled her whole (yes, the big 1-5) years of life and has now taken the big step to transition to that place called high school? Yes, (you ask with arched eyebrows and skeptic eyeballs) what is that girl thinking now? To be completely and perfectly honest, I have no idea what I'm thinking most of the time, so this was no exception. I did however, narrow down the pro's and con's of homeschooling vs. high school and I came to the conclusion that the only con will be that of trading off 12 noon sleep-ins to six thirty a.m. breakfast. Some how I feel like I made the right choice...
The most embarrassing thing of this whole thing is that I still can't figure out how to open up that thing called a "locker" and believe it or not but civilized people have been relying on the shinny red metal compartment to store many of their textbooks? I personally would feel fine with carrying my schoolbooks around in my backpack all day because 1)  don't care if shallow girls or the general public deem me a nerd (I embrace that) 2) how it it safe to keep your belongings in something that could at any moment be broken into by that stalker down the hall who figures out your combination? Of course I wouldn't chant it out loud! The possibilities are limitless.  On the bright side, I have about 2 weeks to get this down (even if that implies jogging the 20 minutes to school during hours to practice. Story of my life!) That reminds me.. only two weeks until school! Let's stop talking about it and maybe August 19th will last forever! Who wants to know how this summer was spent? I know you don't really care but i'm going to tell ya anyway. It was fun! In June my best amazing friend (wait, I have 2 of them!)  invited me to her church and some how or another that one weird girl ended up stalking the youth group all the way back to camp ( just kidding!). It was soo much fun! I met a lot of incredible people all of which love Jesus so absolutely genuinely that it makes me cry. My sister and I have been tagging along to church every Sunday (I totally bet every one still is all like "what's with that girl"?) but I don't care. I absolutely love it so much there. And I've got pictures that I wish I could post but I don't want to creep out the ones in the picture by publishing their faces on my blog, so for their sake I will not. But yes, that camp was so much fun. Anyway that was June for ya. Then all of July Kat worked like a little slave at her job and maybe one day she'll learn how to budget money and spend it wisely like all the girls her age have set into practice. Now for August... well, mostly I've been slacking at my job and hanging out with friends and making prank calls.. sounds typical? Jamba juice has become my second home every day of my life. They have THE best smoothies of all time. Good-bye Sonic! Yes, this health nut has found her paradise at long last. You know what else I've been occupying myself with? A whole lot of thinking...
 So I've been thinking  (again?!) a lot about my insecurities and what it REALLY means to be a Christian. I mean, I've come across some pretty religious crowds who take the Bible full-on literally (not a bad thing) and have actually written a book about those experiences e.g. think Year of Living Biblically. Speaking for myself, I've never done that. I mean, maybe like once just for fun whenever I was 3 I'd dress up like Mary (okay, that sounds absurd but give this pre-schooler a break) but I've never thought of my Christianity as a religious thing. To me, my walk with Jesus is a personal thing and me and Him like it faith-based. He's been reminding me lately about what trust really means. Just yesterday I was feeling mega  stressed out and whenever that happens I always have to remind myself, hey you can't do anything about it so let God handle it. It took me a while to accept that because I'm that person who feels like she's responsible for everything and goes physco if she can't fix it. But this is God we're talking about here! Ultimately, Jesus has complete control of our lives whether or not we throw our pride in the recycling ben and admit it, so isn't it better just to trust Him to take care of it? So I opened my Bible up to a random page like I always do (my theory is that somehow God will give me just the right verse, and if at first it doesn't make sense he's clearly challenging me to stop assuming every thing's so perfect in life.) Here's a good example of this.  I (what's this buisness about me again?) came across that passage in Matthew  14:22-33, I believe, where the disciples were in that boat and saw Jesus but couldn't believe it was Him.  When they finally opened their eyes and came to their senses Peter chickened out and was crying for his life (you of little faith!). While reading this I thought to myself (who else?) that maybe all along I've been playing the part of Peter (not literally, just in verse 29).  The disciples must've felt all alone and voneralble in that boat of theirs and then Jesus comes to rescue them and what does Peter do? He freaks out! So maybe I've been asking God for help and when He does, I of all people, don't look at what's right in front of me! It's also a little about leading. If you think about it, Jesus was trying to lead Peter into the water ( which now represents my sea of problems) and then Peter should have trusted Jesus, that he wasn't going to drown. For me, the moral of the story is all  about genuine Faith and trust when you feel like you're about to sink terribly. You need to trust Jesus because He's never gonna let ya sink, otherwise you'll just end up where you were to begin with (not fun!). And in my life and everyone else's, God will put you into a situation that you may never understand and you'll feel lost, alone, scared.. But when you remember Jesus is there (even though you can't see Him) you'll know that it's going to be okay. Next time Jesus reaches His hand out to me, I'm grabbing it!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Boys and other over-rated topics

So, one might ask what has been going on in the life of Kat? Well, as you certainly can see I am one  devout blogger as my last postie  was sometime lost away  LAST MONTH. *shakes head and does dramatic sigh*.
I've been a (little) busy, just a little, and as lazy as this sounds I haven't had the "energy" (excuses, excuses) to jog down to my library. You're reading this and thinking, now why does that girl need spend the rest of her life at the library? I'll answer that for you.. I don't. But, as nerdy and un-adventurous as this sounds, I love to read.. When I tell guys that I wonder why suddenly their side of the conversation looses interest? Well, anyway I love to read. And besides that (I'm so embarrassed) I'm the only 15 year old who does not currently own an iPhone. First off, I'm not Amish. But I do think it may just be a little vain to invest that much money into something sorta kinda trivial. I mean, at the same time every one needs a phone but I shouldn't blow my whole paycheck on it (which while I'm blabbing on the subject of spending I will confess I've been doing a lot of spending and I know I shouldn't. But hey, I tithe. That counts too you know!) I am planning on saving some major dollars right before school starts and then buying a phone but before then I need to find a good cause to give to. Then I can indulge in my pool of selfish-ness.
So back to my selfish life and all that as occurred. I've been thinking more about life as I always do (don't get me wrong I'm not going all poetic or anything, not that's it's not awesome...) and I always find myself back where I started on the worst possible subject of all: boys.  Last night my sisiter and I were up super late talking about the boys we like (and by the way, I'm not a flirt!) and then I woke up early this morning and couldn't go back to bed, partially because I had to go to the school and finish up those loveley tests that all homeschoolers get to take. So all day long I kept thinking, why and how did I get there? How did I? I mean, they have cooties right? Why should I think of cooties all day long? I can tell you this right now: I am not not not boy crazy. Ew! I know where that can get me, or anyone, and it's not a fun place. Here's the thing, though: when everyone else is dating, you feel like you need to also. I was chatting with one of my friends on this wonderful subject and she brought us some important points I feel need to be recognized. First off, when your bff has a boyfriend and all your friends do, you may slowly begin to feel like there's something wrong with you. This is especially true if you're insecure. And I know anyone (even the boy I like, although I seriously doubt it considering he doesn't pay me the time of day so let's cross our fingers he is not reading this) out there in the world can see this, even though my blog is not very popular and I have comment moderation and all that... but I used to be really really insecure about myself. I used to think that I wasn't pretty and my weight was an issue. And until you feel comfortable with yourself, I don't care if the most attractive guy in the world calls you beautiful, you won't really feel that way. Even though all my friends call me thin I felt self-conscious. And I slowly started easing into that  materialistic life-style that was so full of worldly stuff just so I'd "fit in". Now I'm like what the heck? Girls, don't be like that. Ever ever every ever. You don't need a boy to make you feel beautiful. I lost sight of what was actually important and that is the Lord. He always needs to be the first One in my life. Here is the deal, maybe dating isn't such a great thing after all. I'm not a church-nerd or Amish (by the way, Amish life-styles are actually very cool) and you don't have to be. You also don't need to memorize every Bible verse so God will love you. I seriously forgot that Jesus loves me more than anyone anyone anyone ever will and I don't know why but He accepts this sinner sinful girl for me. But just think about this for a second: what's the pointe of going crazy over someone who could drop you any second? Then I have to crawl to Jesus  on my hands and knees like I always do and beg for forgiveness (that's what being a sinner and forgiveness is all about) because all the while I ignorned Him. What was wrong with me? And of all people in the world, I do not deserve His forgiveness. I am going to share something very personal and it's not about confessing I'm pregnant or anything crazy (by the way, I am NOT just for clarification). There was this one guy who I didn't think was all that cute at first. I'm not judgemental unless it's about myself, but for me a guy has to have a really good heart, love God obviously! and be cute. That is what counts for me. So I didn't like him at first but over time I realized I had developed this terribly big crush on him and this is defiantly stuff I should only talk about in my diary! But the thing is whenever I was around him I would get really nervous and I'd literally shut my mouth because I didn't know what to say. I'm going to be myself and the big thing with me is I'm kind of geeky. I don't have braces (and I'm not about to say that's a stereo-typical trait of geeks or nerds) but I'm such a huge cat person. Don't think crazy cat lady. Do think cat-blogger. I didn't think that he would like me because of that, and I'm probably right. Never the less, I did what a girl has to do and I started going over-board. That's when Jesus slapped me in the face and was like "my daughter is not going to be boy crazy!". Jesus showed me that I was so very caught up with boys and other trivial things, I lost sight of Him. Believe it or not, but even though I was rejecting my Dad He was still ready to pick me up and give me a big hug that I needed so bad! Jesus pointed out to me so many things I just don't have time to blab on and on about but it's seriously so very important! We judge ourselves to the extremes just for a boy? And I bet you right now he didn't even realize any of that and he'd be so creeped out if he knew! because that's how boys are. And there are some guys out there who are like that.  So why should I change who I am just so I could gain acceptance? Hey, the way I look at it, we're all human so I don't care if you are "cool" among your friends; perhaps you are a cool person but I think every one in this world has their own gift. Always love yourself before you expect to receive love from others; you don't need a boy to tell you you're pretty! always Love Jesus first. And most importantly, keep that relationship with Jesus soo soo close and ever so tight don't let Him go! Jesus won't let you go I promise you that.
So now I have made what some have called a "mature" decision although I just think of it as another step in life that I have to take, to stop focusing on boys!  I can't let myself get so caught up thinking about boys(some times I do though! it's okay that's just a sign of being human) because that cute boy may not even care about you, and even if he did, Jesus still needs to be first! I'm never going to do that again. Ever ever ever. I've realized only recently how very easy it is for me to forget about God and I'm so ashamed to say that! I'm never going to let that happen again! I just don't want to be that kind of girl who only talks about cute boys and cute clothes (not that any of that stuff is necessarily bad) because my life needs to have meaning! Lastly, I've been waiting around for some guy when Jesus loves me so much He died for me! I already found my guy.